April 23rd, 2013 – DIY Self Tanner…Too Good to be True? Yup.

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As you all know, I’m a Jersey girl, born and bred. I just couldn’t imagine living anywhere else. Something about this state just seeps into your blood and settles there. Like a dang plague. Maybe that’s why we all seem to enjoy bedazzling and tinting ourselves so much. The sweet glow of a fresh spray tan will nicely cover any residual glow from the nuclear waste.

Imagine my utter glee when I found this pin!!! Do it yourself self tanning? No. Freaking. Way.

Oh. My. Gawd.

I know, Brit. I feel the same way.

I couldn’t wait to get started on this. According to this post, all I needed was some black tea, and if I wanted to enhance my results, some cocoa. I am a big tea snob, so I had some Lipton laying around that I will never drink, and luckily, I suck at domestic endeavors so I had some cocoa left over from the cookies I never bake at Christmas. Done and done! The instructions said to use 4 teabags to 2 cups of water, then spray all over your body and rub in. For the enhanced results, you just add some cocoa to a bit of body lotion and slather it on. Easy peasy. Just for good measure, I used 8 teabags instead of 4. I started the water a-boilin, poured some wine, and prepared myself to get SNOOKIFIED!!!!!

As usual, I waited for a night that my husband was out playing hockey to conduct the insanity, so I had the whole place to myself. I threw some towels down in the kitchen, got nekkid, and started brewing some crappy black tea.

I used a standard spray bottle, and since it was winter, I went for it while it was hot. I sprayed my entire self, and rubbed it in. OK. Let’s do it again. I was feeling pretty good until that nice hot tea started getting ICE FREAKING COLD. Still, I did it again. At this point, I’m feeling pretty dumb.

Am I really doing this? Yes. Yes I am.

Am I really doing this? Yes. Yes I am.

So. I get that this is supposed to be a “glow”, but seriously, I’m not seeing any difference here. Plus, now I smell like Orange Pekoe, and I’m buck nekkid in my kitchen trying to figure out if I need my head examined. Nah. I’m good. Let’s try some cocoa.

Slathering cocoa all over your body? Seems like a perfectly reasonable thing to do.

Slathering cocoa all over your body? Seems like a perfectly reasonable thing to do.

I know what you’re all thinking. “She didn’t really do this, did she?”

Yes I did.

Yes I did.

Yup.

When I actually bother to use self-tanner, I have a very detailed routine that I go through, and in the end, it’s totally worth it. Somehow I have managed to mostly perfect the art over the years, and get a pretty nice result. THIS insanity took just about as long, and is only expected to last 3-4 days.

Or 3-4 minutes.

Or 3-4 minutes.

I’m calling this one a pin FAIL.

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December 10th, 2012 – How To Survive A Zombie Apocalypse Like A Boss

The Pinteresting Mamas blog is a collaboration of a group of women who are devoted to bringing you the best and the worst of Pinterest!  Bringing you today’s post is our Jersey Diva, Denise…Enjoy!

Here is a little about me, since I skipped over this part in my first post. I’m a Jersey girl, born and bred. I have a passion for shoes, sparkly things, and alcoholic drinks. I also kind of dislike (ok, raging hate) Christmas. Which brings me to today’s post.

I totally respect that there are millions upon millions of people that just ERMAGHERD I FRERCKERN LURVE CHRESSMERSSSSS!!!! I get why. It will just never touch some of us the way it touches those people. Cue my segue.

Nutjobs, I tell you!

Nutjobs, I tell you!

Zombies have no respect for the holidays. Which is why, while you’re decking the halls and dreaming of a white ChristmaHaunaKwanzaka….you need to be wrapping your head around another date; December 21, 2012. *insert doomsday music here*

Uncle Zombie

Since the Mayans think that this is when the world is going to end and I’m convinced that there is no other way for this shindig to go down than a full-out Zombie Apocalypse, today’s post was on a pin I found on preparing for such an event. Buckle up, bitches. Imma bout to blow ya mind.

I found an astonishing number of pins on this.  Clearly I am not the only one training for brain-sucking wanderlings overtaking my love den, never mind the fact that I already live with two of them.

Here is one mighty helpful pin on a survival kit:

Zombie survival kit

It links to the BASIC and DELUXE survival kits available on Etsy.  THANK GAWD.  Because when you think “There is a Zombie chewing on my neck and I need a survival kit RIGHT. NOW!!!!” of course you think ETSY.

So just in case your personal plan consisted of cowering in a corner sucking on a bouillon cube like it’s a chicken flavored tic-tac, let me go over just a few of these items.

  1. Dental floss. You just never know when you will need to remove chunks of your flesh from zombie teeth.
  2. Needle & Thread: to keep your duds lookin fresh to def.
  3. Full Tang Survivor Neck Knife with Sheath – wear around your neck to have this knife at the ready (real knife, not a toy): Goes with any outfit. V-neck? Shorten accordingly.
  4. 3 LED Hand crank flashlight: because 4 is too bright. Hand crank. *giggle*
  5. Portable water treatment tablets: Nobody should have to drink shart water.
  6. Stainless Steel Machete: Personally I would have gone with titanium. Later we will discuss “Which Machete Is Right For You?”
  7. Ultralight Survival Kit: Waterproof matches, aluminum foil, emergency mylar blanket, fishing line, fish hooks and sinker weights, snare wire, map, compass, emergency whistle, emergency cord, duct tape, reusable zip-lock bag, surgical blade, wound closure strips, safety pins, needle, thread and cotton firestarter, all in a lightweight weatherproof case:  A HELLA CUTE COACH WEATHERPROOF CASE OR I QUIT!!!!
  8. Slingshot: Just in case Dennis the Menace shows up.
  9. Emergency Firestarter:

    MSDFIRE EC008

    Did you say you were cold? Stand back…I got this.

This list continues on, but I think it’s missing a few very important details.

First off, the toddler is going to need enough stickers and bubbles to hold him over until he’s at least 15, at which point I’m counting on him being too fascinated by his love-junk to care about survival & will have been consumed by zombies, or I can just hand him the contents of his daddy’s kit and call it a day. I’m sure it will be full of useful survival-related MAN STUFFS.

man stuff bag

*in an interesting turn of events I learned another lesson while researching zombie preparedness and that is THIS: Never EVER Google the words “Man Stuff” again. Like, ever.*

Secondly, WHERE IS THE VODKA? How can I be expected to keep my wits about me WHILST STONE COLD SOBER???? NO. I gots me a long list of talents (one of which consists of doing the Percolator ON COMMAND in six-inch heels. What time is it? It’s time for the Percolator, bitches), but not many of these talents come about while sober.

Plus, seriously? As any zombie-killin, ass-kickin wonder mama KNOWS, you need the right outfit. Found one of those, too:

Zombie outfit

Boots, Ladies. Boots.

Please note: Ladies, you will never hear me utter these blasphemous words again, but here they come. THIS IS NO TIME FOR STILLETTOS. There. I said it. Now I need a drink.

As any fashionista who is worth her Jimmy Choos knows, ITS ALL ABOUT THE ACCESSORIES. What better way to compliment your Zombie-stompin duds than with a razor sharp machete? Did you know there are FIVE different types of machetes, bitches? YES. FIVE. Personally, I’m going with the heavyweight. Don’t want to be caught with something that won’t get the job done, right? Plus, anyone who says size doesn’t matter is straight L-Y-I-N-G.

Or, you could just be like Michonne, and go with the samurai sword...

Or, you could just be like Michonne, and go with the samurai sword…

Now here is the part nobody wants to hear: You are going to have to work out. How do you expect to outrun a zombie if you’ve been chasing your couch for the last 5 years? I run for a reason, babes. Those charming little decomposing flesh eaters move pretty fast. If they come after me, and I can run faster than YOU, guess who’s gonna be a human-flavored smorgasbord?  Helllllllooooooooo Clarice…

I heard you taste like chicken...

I heard you taste like chicken…

11 days and counting, sugar britches. Think you’ve got what it takes for a walker showdown? You bet your ass I do! Now go get your fabulous selves ready for a fight. Daryll and I will be waiting.

daryll is the man

Hey, girl. I’ll protect you.